Many of my ideas and desires and draws are surprisingly traditional. I don’t have a problem with it so much as I wonder why it is. The question of autonomous desire is an interesting one: Can we ever consider our desires outside the societal standards ingrained in us? I have chosen (or it has chosen me, or both) a decidedly unconventional path; many of my desires are unconventional, and I know that this is likely as much a subconscious rebellion of convention as it is my ability and willingness to think/feel/desire outside the box. Therefore, I question a “traditional” desire when I have one: Is this leftover from my conventional upbringing? Or is it natural? Is it because sometimes all this going-against-the-grain makes me tired, and I want to give in? A bit of all of the above?

I keep these “normal” desires to myself just as much as the real “freaky” ones that can scare people away. Many, if they knew of these desires, would think that I am conventional-at-heart, that the “counterculture” in me is just an act, or something. How annoying. As though having a certain set of thoughts—that doesn’t even come close to representing all my thoughts—defines me. Why, because the conventional is more legitimate? Is it more likely that I am faking the unconventional aspects of my character rather than just being incidentally conventional? What does conventional mean anymore, anyway? The age of mass media and globalization has given us so many ways to be, be they “socially acceptable” or not, can we pinpoint any set of thoughts as traditional or unconventional, without context?

If I express conventional desire and achieve it, will I be satisfied and discard my counterculture “phase,” like I’m told by so many I’ll invariably do? If I choose a totally nontraditional path, will I never have a “normal-fantasy” again? Whatever I do, will I feel as though I’ve compromised?


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