Disclaimer: Please do not take this as whiny. Just exploring some frustration. :)
I don’t know what to expect to get out of anything these days. Not really going through the motions, but floating, somewhere. Focused so much on the present and immediate future, I don’t quite know where I’m headed.
That’s not a bad thing, really–for the first time in a long time I am secure in the physical sense, i.e., not thinking that I’m going to have to find a new job or apartment in x amount of months (or weeks). There’s that to some extent, but it’s within one setting and I am hugely supported with energy and resources and people. Quite a contrast.
I just have to get used to it. Not be afraid to settle in. But, it could all change again. Who knows where my path might take me? It’s taken me here and it can easily take me away. Or it could keep me here. I’d like to stay, if I can manage.
My brain is tired; there are so many new influences, it doesn’t know where to go sometimes. Sometimes I get frustrated and I have to stop and think, I’m still new to this. Not something I’m not used to–my transience causes me to be the “new person” very frequently–but this is an entirely different kind of new.
The contrast between working and living in the “real world” and college is so different, more than between a video store and Americorps, the theatre and freelance. And I think maybe I can recognize that contrast more than a lot of people, having done the former first for so long–without any thought of the latter–before the latter. Because the shift from college to “real life” is a more natural phase–that is, more universally understood, supported, and discussed. I think this shift needs to be better studied and shared. It needs to be more common.
It gets tiring being so “deviant,” against the “natural” course of things, for one’s entire life. Sometimes I think, for once I just want to do things like everyone else. Not to be like everyone else–to just have a better system in place for the things I do, the path I take. Emerson suggested not following the path–but going where there is no path and leaving a trail. As rewarding as that is, it’s fucking exhausting. And sometimes, I just want a break!
I used to think I could live without people. I am changing, thinking and doing things differently, and the more I figure out, the more I realize that that paradigm is utter bullshit. As long as I am around people, living with people, in their world, in their space–I do need them.
Which, to me, to my only slightly former self, is slightly scary and discomforting.
Ah, the process of shaping into one’s skin…
. . . .
flowers dripping blue
onto a feathery wall
darkness in the background
the rain drops pitter
in a downward cadence
as the joker calls wild
claiming it is magic
the lips don’t move
a deliberate pout
as the others smile freely
which are more real?
burgundy gossamer lace
slowly swaying falling
to greet its fate
that which looms ahead
the voice calls through