I had a very long, very nice phone conversation this evening. I miss those; to be able to talk so freely to another, and in this case faceless, person about such an array of topics – frivolous and deep, amusing and depressing, mundane and thought-provoking – in a forum the like of that. Nothing is quite the same as it, I don’t believe.
You gotcher email conversations, which aren’t as spontaneous and person but do allow for thought-out and long-as-you-wish responses (which, for an extreme introvert such as myself, is a wonderful thing; my responsiveness is not stimulated by interaction, instead it only provokes initial thought, which I have to brood upon alone for a while). You gotcher chat conversations, which have always been among my favorites, because you get the spontaneity and instantaneous response, and yet more thought-out than voice conversations and can be much more controlled (which is good if the controlling of outbursts and the like is an issue of one’s). You gotcher face-to-face conversations, which are the most personal and spontaneous and have the most human connectivity; but personally they often share the shit out of me for those very reasons.
And then you gotcher phone conversations. I don’t often like those too much, if at all, because it’s too personal (or not enough, depending on my mood). It’s too moderate.
But then you gotcher phone conversations with people whom you’ve never met – and even further, have not heard their voice before.
This girl I’ve known online for nearly a year; we’ve been emailing off and on since then, and a few months ago had a long chat. She called me tonight, and another longer (I’m pretty sure, anyway) conversation followed.
She’s 27 but still a kid at heart, and so she’s been through an awful lot and yet maintains a similar perspective on the “adult world” as I do. And as similar views as we have, just as many are different, enough to get me to think of another perspective, which is grand.
It’s so great to share your views with someone – regardless of whether they agree or not, or have a slightly different or more evolved view – as long as they’re open-minded. You can learn so bloody much – not only about that particular view, or even about the other person, but about yourself and your own experience and thinking patterns.
The entire conversation gave me a perspective I really needed, due to my recent reclusion – if not just psychologically – a lot of my thoughts and views have been distorted because of my defaulted extreme personality. I needed perspective, without having known it, and I got it – it was grand.
It makes me want more. I just feel so stifled, so suppressed around the people with whom I associate on a day-to-day basis. The vast majority of the those are co-workers, so of course I can’t let them know any deeper a side of me than they already do. There are exceptions – one in particular and two in particular on occasion – but the scheduling of City Year does not allow for personal interactions with the staff – even their lunch breaks, and mine as well lately, are spent working.
In any case, so that’s that, I guess. I don’t know. I just hope my subconscious doesn’t rebel and stifle me even more. That would suck just a little bit. I wish instead to attempt to expand my range of acquaintances, to talk to more people, more deeply. Perhaps get closer to the corps, even though we all know that isn’t ultimately what I want – and perhaps re-establish contact with some of my old philosophical buddies.